doodles and babbles

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Ang tagal ko palang hindi pa napagnet. Salamat sa inyong mga nagsimpatya sa thesis... alam kong pare-pareho tayo ng pinagdadaanan.

Hay. Ewan ko ba. Gusto ko ng matapos 'to. But, that would mean graduating na rin. And that would mean na magwowork na tayo. Also, that would mean we're going to earn our OWN money. But that would definitely mean we have to work hard for it. Meaning, we have to exhaust 8-hours in the office, doing mostly routinary jobs. I mean, since we'll be fresh graduates in the realm of Working place, we're gonna have the lowlest jobs. I mean, like, doing the xerox thing, and everything. Naiisip ko madalas, pagka-graduate natin, hindi na tayo practicumers. Hindi kaya mag-iba ang treatment satin? Kasi, nung practicumers tayo, at least, nasubukan natin lahat diba? Pano pag trabahador na talaga tayo? Hindi na tayo puwede magreklamo na "hindi po yan ang nirerequire ng school namin na gawin namin". I mean--diba? Nagets niyo ba?

Kaya ngayon... parang gusto kong grumaduate na ayaw. Parang... nafi-feel ko ulit yung na-feel ko before when I was about to enter college. Everything is so uncertain. Everything is veiled with thick black curtains. You can't take a see through the veil because it's do dark to see. Sa mga ganitong panahon ko talaga mas pinanghahawakan yung promise ni Lord sa Proverbs 3:5, Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean in your own understanding. And yung isa pang verse sa Psalms, When I am afraid, I will trust in You; My God whose words I praise; In God I trust, I will never be afraid. I forgot the exact verse. But it's somewhere in Psalms 50 - 70.

Sana... sana... ma-seek ko na yung ultimate purpose ni Lord para sakin. Para medyo hindi masyado madilim. But I know that He will always be by my side. Always leadng me on my path.

1:41 PM
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Friday, January 20, 2006

My back aches. My head throbs. My eyes stings. Man... it's hard to look for related literature. I'm here in the library, looking for a conceptual and research lit for our thesis. Unfortunately, our interventions are insignificant... too bad... really. After all the hassles to get to the institution, and all the hassles to buy those participants gifts and foods, and all the money that we spent to get the intervention done... all we got is a critical value less than the obtained wilcoxon T value. Insignificant. Accept the null hypothesis. I wanna cry... we all want to cry...

I just hope that we won't have to conduct an entire intervention again. I hope that these related lits would be enough to justify the result of our intervention. I hope that we would be able to justify it clearly.

*sigh*... *sigh*...

Ok. Back to work.

2:54 PM
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Saturday, January 07, 2006

It's saturday. I'm supposed to be in our humble abode. But I'm here in UST for the sport psych sessions. Just me and veron. Jaq arrived 30 minutes before we end the session.

Before the session, I was so... grr... a little irritated I guess. Because I can't do the sessions alone. Thanks to veron. She joined the session even if there was only two of us amidst the 10 players of tennis. I had to take off my shyness. I had to force myself to be outgoing. I had to force myself to be talkative. I had to force a different personality into me so we can get this session over... smoothly.

When we entered the tennis court, we felt like unseen entities. Others noticed us. A little wave.
A little smile. Finally, coach saw us.

Whew.

But he suddenly turned and walked to the opposite direction.

Great.

But after a few minutes, he came. At least, he knew that we were there.\

We spent an hour watching the players practice. Tock... Tock Tock... Tock... Tock... I like the tennis ball's rhythm. And it's neon yellow color.

After the practice, coach finally allowed us to do sessions with the players. Veron and I decided to talk with them in pairs. It went fine. Kinda boring. But we had to do it. Questions popped up in my head. Well, I forced to pop them in my head. I asked them everything that should be asked.
Good thing they had some answers. Although short ones. After the first pair, another pair came.
Same questions. Different answers. My mouth felt like a recorder. Same words went out automatically.

The entire session lasted for 2 hours (observation included).

2 hours only?

No. TWO HOURS! TWO LONG HOURS! Let's be optimistic here, ok?

When the last player was done with the session, he called up coach. "Coach! Ikaw naman!" veryone laughed. Harharhar... Now, it's finally done. 2 hours session completed.

With ease?

Nah... but with triumph! haha.

Somehow, I was able to supress my old quiet self. And I wass able to be somebody else. I hope it would be a part of myself too. I hope someday I won't have to do so much effort to force myself to be outgoing.

But then again... it is my weakness. And my weakness brings me closer to God.

So... I guess... I would just stay, "God, make me more outgoing. Let me be more sociable. It's only You who can make me one. Thank You."

Two hours done... two hours.

10:42 AM
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Friday, January 06, 2006

ay naku, halos isang buwan din ako di nakapagpost. i reviewed my post about the retreat. sinabi ko pala dun na yung letters ko ibibigay ko ng "wednesday," kung ano mang date yun... i'm sorry, hanggang ngayon nasa drawer ko pa rin lahat ng mga letters niyo. may ilan-ilan pa akong di natatapos. malamang, before graduation ko na maibigay yung mga yun. hehe. :D buti nalang at pang-graduation na yung messages na sinulat ko dun. kaya, antabayanan niyo lang.

Okay, the past christmas break was not really a break. Amidst all the fun of preparing gifts, preparing for the kainan, the thoughts of impending thesis and 2 practicums just make me anxious. Very anxious. I just want to finish them ALL! AH! GIVE ME A BREAK!

All the happenings during the christmas season already seemed to be a distant memory from the past. Let me recall... gumawa kami ng suman, nakapagluto ako ng napakasarap na togue, (with some help of course), umakyat kami ng Mt. Samat--you know that mountain guys? Sa bataan yun, yung mountain na may malaking cross sa tuktok. Yung cross na yun, building yun. Yung vertical beam ng cross has an elevator that will bring you up to the 36th floor, which is by the way, the only floor in that building. That 36th floor is the horizontal beam of the cross. It's a viewing deck. And when you poke your head out of the window, (which is quite scary), you'll be looking down 36 floors below. Kita yung manila bay, saka... china sea ata yun. ang galing. ang ganda... ang lamig ng hangin! siyempre, open ang windows. and to think, habang nilalakad namin yung length ng viewing deck na yun, walang support yun sa ilalim. kasi nga siya yung horizontal beam ng cross. ang saya na scary talaga. bigla ko naalala si jelo... ano kaya mangyayari kay jelo kung andun siya...? hehe!

hayun. yun yung pinaka highlight ng christmas and new year ko--the mount samat experience.

ngayun, tapos na ang maigsing bakasyon. Bago palang magpasukan, i tried to condition myself with all the things that was left pending last year--thesis, practicum. hay. thank God at tapos na ang thesis intervention namin. I just hope na matapos namin ang 1st thesis draft namin in time. shucks... ni hindi pa nga kami nakakapagsimulang mag major major revision ng aming chaps 1 - 3. May nabago pa sa related lit namin. Tapos hindi kami makakita ng related lit dun sa isang topic namin... yikes. yikes. i hope everything will just POOF! gone... but it won't. *sight*

Ah basta! matatapos rin ito. Diba? Diba?! DIBA!!!???

I need my weekends... but it's hard for me to sacrifice my precious weekends dahil naka-commit yun sa church activities. well... wala naman ako magagawa. first things first. kaya kailangan mas ma-strengthen ang spiritual life ko if I have to spend my church time to my school stuff. Gotta to feed my spirit with God's word every now and then. Talk and wait on Him as well. His my only refuge and strength.

2:54 PM
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